Playing the Fool
posting this picture for no reason other than it makes me feel better in the middle of feeling so foolish
Okay, since it’s April Fool’s Day and all, I think I’ll celebrate by listing all the ways I’m feeling incredibly foolish. Maybe that will quiet the gremlins, so I can get back to my work!
I’m feeling foolish because…
I can’t seem to beat back (or organize) all the paper coming into this house.
I have a serious parking ticket problem.
I hate washing my hair (all ten pounds of it) and because of that I avoid showering altogether.
I spent six months losing twenty-five pounds and now I’m fatter than I’ve ever been before.
I have too much going on and I don’t want to do any of it at the moment.
I bought Madeleine an adorable white winter jacket and then I never washed it once all winter, so know she looks like a forlorn, latchkey child.
I can’t seem to remember to go grocery shopping.
I’m behind on my orders (again).
I am always in a money crunch.
I write posts like this and then have days like this one.
I can’t find all my tax papers.
I’m not on top of Madeleine’s schoolwork. Waa!
There’s more, but that’s all I have the courage for right this second.
Feel free to exorcise your own “you’re so foolish” gremlins in the comments below.
April 1st, 2008 at 1:44 pm
That totally could’ve been MY list! (((hugs)))
April 1st, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Ummm…yeah…there’s probably a word limit here, and hey, I don’t want to crash the whole WWW with my foolish feelings.
Just know…you’re SO not alone!
April 1st, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Lots of this matches my list, too. Only minor details differ.
Oh, jen. If I could I’d take you for one-hour walk in the park to view cherry blossoms so you could clear your head and fill your soul and then…
I’d fill your orders, do your laundry, buy your groceries, do other mundane things, etc. because I’m good at that and not so good at creative stuff…which you are and need to do.
If I could…but I’m too far away.
And if I could I’d trade my fine easy-to-wash hair for yours. Really.
April 1st, 2008 at 2:16 pm
It helps to know that you have days (weeks? years?) like this too! I’m with you on 90 percent of this list
April 1st, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I love your list! I’m heading to the basement to go through the huge bin of clothes that are too small for me and probably always will be so I’ll spend time considering ways I’m foolish besides the whole overweight thing - because that’s just too obvious
April 1st, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Thanks so much for being brave enough to share this! I am glad to know that i’m not the only person who feels foolish from time to time. My list would look something like this:
i can’t seem to get all the paperwork organized.
i am weeks away from earning a living doing what i love (a.k.a. writing fulltime) however, there’s one thing left for me to do: filling in some forms. It’s been on my to do list for MONTHS!!!
i forget to do laundry
i’m behind on my orders too
and i spend way to much money on magazines.
April 1st, 2008 at 3:27 pm
My husband loves clean sheets on the bed. So last week when he was out for the evening I took the sheets off the bed and tossed them in the washer, thinking I would surprise him with a freshly made bed when he got home. Then I got lost in blogging and forgot about it. He arrived home late to a bare mattress and wet sheets. We then had to quickly make the bed in the middle of the night and sleep on the scratchy spare sheets. I do stuff like this more often than I care to admit!
April 1st, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I’m so foolish because I can’t quite figure out what I need to be happy…sometimes I think I have it figured out and then it drifts away, like smoke on the wind. And then I start to feel like trying to be happy is useless. I can’t figure out if it’s me, my own expectations, that make me unhappy sometimes, or if I really am being let down by someone in my life…it’s a terrible twisted muddle of confusing thoughts. It makes me feel foolish and defeated.
April 1st, 2008 at 4:01 pm
You were foolish enough to call me and I was foolish enough to sound wise, reminding me of the Zen saying, “There is no difference between a wise man and a fool.” We both got what we were looking for!
April 1st, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Oh, my list would be way too long to include here, so instead I will just say that you are SO not alone in these daily feelings and oversights and just trying to keep it together’s. One day at a time with a sprinkle of some happiness and we will get there. But thank you for letting US know that we are not alone! xo
April 1st, 2008 at 5:20 pm
it helps so much to know you are human — not just a fount of wise inspiration and creativity — thank you for this.
April 1st, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Hi Jen-
My foolish list would look something like this:
1. I get swept up in other people’s worries
2. I forget to take care of myself
3. I forget to be thankful and find joy in everyday things
4. I am hard on myself for not doing enough, when in reality often I am doing too much.
5. I finally finished an art project I’ve been avoiding for MONTHS and I loved working on it! Why do I avoid things that make me happy??
BTW: I had a dream the other night that you and I were great friends and you had this really funky rambling apartment with things like a huge, room-size bed but no dining room table, and we were planning a party and were going to make paper streamers and forget about the mess we were making. It was great.
April 1st, 2008 at 5:39 pm
i love this post jen,. i could have written it myself.
im ordained in foolishness …and found this is what
makes us far from boring.
xo
April 1st, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I told everyone I was leaving my husband, for the third time, and we have decided to stay together and continuing working on our relationship. I feel like an idiot, not because I’m not leaving but because I can’t keep my mouth shut. Ever.
April 1st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
i could have written every word you just said…i am feeling the ‘fools funk’ today as well. i spent most of the morning feeling like i have failed in every aspect of my life. i am climbing out of the pity party slowly but surely and ‘life spins madly on’. sigh.
April 1st, 2008 at 8:32 pm
What makes me foolish? Oh Lord help me, what doesn’t?
*The dishes piled up on my kitchen counter and the lack of edible food in my refrigerator
*The paper clutter that threatens to swallow me whole (Why is this such a problem?)
*Dreading tomorrow’s morning meeting even though I know it could lead to work
*Realizing now — 14 hours before said meeting — that I may not have clean clothes to wear to it
*Putting other people on pedestals and selling myself short
*Having to consult http://www.m-w.com on how to spell “pedestals”
*Not liking to take the time to wash, dry, and curl my limp, very fine hair (very fine as in the texture; not very fine as in smokin’ hot)
*Spending my life complaining about being fat; and still being almost as fat as ever
*Totally believing that we should be kind to ourselves and then finding it so hard to do with my own self
Sounds to me like a bunch of our gremlins got together and collaborated on making us all feel miserable. Out, out damn gremlin!
April 1st, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Even your foolishness is inspiring. How is that?
Beautiful photo. There’s something about those blues that is so damn uplifting.
xo
April 1st, 2008 at 9:21 pm
I’ll take your list and I’ll add the following:
*Last week I forgot we had a staff meeting - I am the chief-of-staff.
*My son’s gym clothes have NEVER been washed.
*I bought a bunch of vitamins and supplements -but haven’t taken them, my counter feels healthier for it.
*I can’t even give my four-year-old pudding without her throwing a fit, then she smiles at me and I melt (no wonder she doesn’t listen). Now there is pudding all over the carpet on the stairs. I haven’t yet cleaned it up.
*Today my dog had to be shorn like a sheep because he was so matted (I am a veterinarian).
*My cat is peeing all over my bedroom and may have a urinary tract infection - I forgot to take her to work with me tonight.
*And on and on and on.
April 1st, 2008 at 10:00 pm
I’ve been lurking for a while
I think you are amazing, your writing, your art, your photography, your life.
It’s kind of nice to know you are human too though
April 1st, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Bless you for this honesty and list of foolishness.
sometimes just letting the gremlins come out and be their party pooper selves can help to laugh, come back home, ground again.
my “your so foolish” list? How much time do you have?
April 2nd, 2008 at 12:09 am
I am foolish because:
1. I forget to remember what I know is true
2. I tend believe that my bad days are my whole life (not true!)
3. I make a plan aaaaaaand kind of forget that it just might be worth finishing
4. My vocabulary is in the crapper…that is I forget mid sentence what it was I was saying…and uh…what is that word again? Uh…no, it starts with an “w” I think…oh forget it! - I say that way too much
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:59 am
Thank you Jen - this helps me so much with my own feelings of shame and inadequacy.
April 2nd, 2008 at 7:29 am
Something that works for me is to do housework in snippets. I tell myself, “Ok, do the kitchen and the bathroom and then you get to have a cup of tea and some blogtime (or whatever).” I’ve found myself trailing off on the work sometimes and it helps to remind me that all I have to do is finish the kitchen.
One of the teachers at my last retreat was telling us how many of us would probably love to get up from sitting and go get a cup of tea, but we didn’t do it because we were in a room full of other people. Could you pretend sometimes that you are in a room with all eyes on you?
And I think I can help you re-cast the white coat thing: I am an obsessive kids’ coats washer so I truly admire your fortitude!
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:17 am
What a list I would have if I put down all my foolishness here. You’re so brave to share yours, though, so I’ll be brave and share a few of mine, too. Along with variations of many of the things you listed:
* I gave my phone number to a random stranger to get him to leave me alone.
* I eat myself silly, even when I know I’m not hungry.
* I spend time doing unnecessary things when I could be creating and then I wonder why I’m not making as much progress as I’d like.
* I make lists so that can remember to do or buy things and then I lose my lists.
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:00 am
oh sweet freedom:
1. I forgot about taxes until yesterday
2. I forgot to deposit my checks and my balance is -2.30 (I got my hair highlighted instead)
3. I’ve convinced myself that eating almond butter is different than eating peanut butter (which I gave up)
4. I shave my legs pretty often, but I looked down yesterday, in the sunlight of my car, and my knees are sporting a 1-inch mohawk
5. I wait so long to check my to-do list that the chores no longer matter - then I check them off with satisfaction and contempt.
thanks for letting me dump my foolishness off here - it will never survive the light you shine!
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:41 am
I can relate to so many of the ones already written. So….Ready, set, jump…
Paper clutter and laundry has completely overtaken my mind and home.
I’m not on top of either of my children’s homework.
I faithfully make a todo list while I’m at work, and then never look at it when I get home (and feel guilty and rebellious the next day).
I’m scared most of the time & I constantly think I’m not good enough. I let this get in the way of creating and putting myself out there.
I freak out and scream and (occasionally) throw stuff when pushed to the absolute limit.
On the outside I’m a together, outgoing, disciplined woman–on the inside I’m a shy ball of fluff who just wants a hug and be friends.
I know I need to exercise, and that I even occasionally enjoy it–but I’d rather sit on the couch reading blogs!!
I’ve gotten rather fat due to lack of exercise–and I’m not totally happy with this–but it doesn’t totally freak me out either.
Thanks for letting me have a place to dump this, and not be alone!
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:53 am
WOW isn’t it nice to know that many of us share the same demons? It makes me feel like I’m not the worst wife and mother in the world.
To your list I would add:
I spend over an hour to do meal planning for the week and never follow the plan after Monday.
I keep thinking/saying I should be more but then never am…
I wait until the mess in my studio is so bad I can’t even find a bare spot to work before I pick up.
And the list goes on and on but I think you get the picture!
April 2nd, 2008 at 2:11 pm
[…] Jen this week wrote about nameless troubles. My other Jen wrote yesterday about feeling the fool. Christy today admits she’s not exactly grinning in her happy place, and Kathy says she’s been in the tank for longer than she wants to be. In addition to those who write publicly about their troubles, I’ve received 3 or 4 emails and a couple of phone calls from other friends who are feeling very down. Very very down. At the core kind of down. […]
April 2nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one in this boat!
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Are you living MY life????
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:37 pm
I loved reading your post, Jen, and all the comments as well. I love how human we are all willing to admit that we are.
* I got mad at my journaling class tonight because the students (all adult women like myself) didn’t like the books I brought in to show them. They actually laughed at some of them. I wanted to pout through the entire class. And I’m the teacher!
* I ignore mail for weeks and then wonder why there’s such a big pile next to the phone.
* Sometimes when I do laundry and cook and clean, I think, “People like Jen Lemen don’t complain about doing this stuff like this. What is my problem? All those other people out there have much better lives and homes and families and attitudes than I do. Poor me!”
* My next thought is one of total superiority over everyone I know.
* Then I wonder why I find myself in search of a moment or two of sane conversation with someone who seems less crazy than I am.
* When I do things that I like to do and that make me feel good (like drink tea, journal, read and write blogs, exercise, talk on the telephone, anything at all) I feel guilty about feeling good. It’s like I think I should be miserable. Total insanity is what that is!
We are all so messy and funny and frightened and unsure and wonderful and bright and lovely - all at the same time. It’s what makes each of us so fabulous and real and human.
Thanks, Jen, for reminding us of what SARK said ages ago: We are all in the soup together!
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:38 am
[…] Yesterday Jen Lemen talked about many of the things that leave her feeling foolish. Oh I have my list too. Many of them are mentioned above. Jen and I spend hours giggling over all the ways we play the fool and yet in this laughter I see beauty reflected back at me. I look in this mirror and know that I am exactly perfectly who I need to be right now. That its quite OK to be able to the kind of person who doesn’t always hold it all together so neatly but instead who runs around with life spilling over her arms, dropping pieces of lovingly constructed color along the way. Flawed but authentic. Jumping in with both feet. Getting messy. Living now. […]
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Can I still air my foolishness days after April Fool’s Day?
I hope so. Here goes.
*Our taxes aren’t done…because my baby doesn’t yet have a SS#…she doesn’t have a SS# because I have misplaced her birth certificate…I have misplaced her birth certificate because I am genetically predisposed to be completely unorganized…
Oh, the lament of tax season!
April 3rd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I feel foolish that no matter how many times I tell Ego that I am not interested in her agenda nor do I care about her petty insecurities, I can still get sucked in.
Damn Ego. Will she ever take the hint, pack up and leave me the hell alone?
Thanks for prompting the vent. : )
Love you sweet Jen, even when you are foolish.
April 3rd, 2008 at 9:32 pm
wow. thanks. this helps me not feel so dumb about doing everything right (oh, the amount of time I put into fretting about that). this is probably my number one gremlin at the moment.. I spend so much time thinking about my inadequacies that I miss parts of my life occurring right in front of me. I think people do tend to swing one way or the other between very organized or not so, and I maybe will accept a little more that I happen to swing towards the unorganized side (and creative!), and will probably never get it right and that’s okay.
April 4th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
I forget we need things at the shop - come home and go.. oh yeah… *rolls eyes* .. DVD rentals ALWAYS end in a late fee for me. I spend all day cleaning and never get to the.. time off bit i promise myself I will have. but I have beaten the paper monster! I have a box. paper comes in - envelopes, add ins and other junk that comes with the ONE piece of paper I need goes in the bin.. one piece in the box. If you need paper - I suggest you see the box. that is where it will be. When the box is full.. i make 2 coffees… sit my husband down and we sort /throw/file what we have to and move on. I hate incoming paper but I no longer look for /lose things. YAY.
April 5th, 2008 at 6:08 am
I had to smile, I read the list and just thought ’she’s so cute!’.
April 8th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Hi Jen,
Congrats on your new venture with our beloved Sage! Best of luck on the entire adventure.
I could identify with many of the waas in this list.
Thanks for sharing them!