Kindness Carries
from the upcoming zine “Let’s Learn How To Help Ourselves and Others” by Odette, illustrations by me. I’ll take at least 1000 copies of this book to schools in Rwanda in May on my visit to see Odette’s girls thanks to your contributions. details here.
I wish I were writing today to say we have news, but we are still in a holding pattern waiting to see what’s going on with Grace, hear her exact prognosis and find out what needs to happen next. Only kindness matters in moments like this.
The brother who carries the child to the better hospital.
The sister-in-law who opens her home while Grace waits to be admitted, even though her own little children will be at risk now.
The friend who offers to pay for the cell phone so Odette can call (and be called) any time of night or day.
The family patriarch who calls to say with so much love there is no need to worry. Everything is unfolding exactly as it should were his words exactly.
I wish I could say I am a good believer in times like these. Instead, I ask Odette every few days, “Do you still believe in God?” She always answers yes. And then I say something like, “Well, I think he’s doing a very bad job with your case.” Worst performance by a diety. Ever. And then we argue about that for awhile, until it’s time to go home and light candles and pray.
The truth is even now I can’t help but believe that something greater is holding us. Even though my first instinct in any crisis is to call Oprah first, trust later. Still. I can’t shake the sense that no matter what happens we are not alone or forgotten. I don’t understand that thing or whatever it is holding us. But I can’t help but put my eggs in that basket. And I can’t help but think that some part of that thing is us and all the ways we dare to trust together.
Yesterday, my dearest Lourdes came to the house to check on me. I’ve known Lourdes for many years before I ever met Odette. In so many ways, she has been with me from the beginning, teaching me about how to be in the world, showing me so gently the dignity and grace that is required from making peace with uncertainty.
“There are so many Graces,” she tells me gently as we walk. And I know in my heart it’s true.
These are the realities that overwhelm us, that leave us guilty and feeling powerless. These are the things that make us turn away because we don’t know what to do. But Lourdes has taught me over years that it is not the solution (or deity or the money or the power) that transforms these situations as much as the compassion. With kindness all things become possible.
Kindness may cost you, but it will not kill you. This I know from experience. Kindness is the one thing that will open an impossible door. It is the way forward when words no longer serve. It is the path to happiness and also peace, when all other paths have failed. It requires courage to believe this and more to act on it, but kindness grants that, too. She’s magic that way.
I have to believe along with Odette that Kindness will grant Grace exactly what she needs. That Kindness will reveal the perfect course of action. That Kindness will heal her body and her soul, one moment at a time. That Kindness will be the force at play to bring a family back together, even when circumstances complicate and cloud. That Kindness holds all the scattered pieces into one whole, even when hope and so many dreams sometimes fall apart.
Here is a collection of kindnesses that you offered us over the last few days. Because of these words and your love, our load has been so much lighter, and we have had the luxury to argue over stupid things and eat ice cream and be completely honest with each other in all of this. It’s been a mess, but I’m okay and more importantly, Odette is okay–even while nothing is okay, if that makes any sense.
Thank you for carrying us with your kindness. It means the world.
May 3rd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
I will light a candle and pray for all of you today.
“Everything is unfolding exactly as it should were his words exactly.” This is the wisdom that can carry you through. I wish you peace.
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:15 pm
You are both giants to me… giantesses. My hardest hopes and all my light is with Grace. xo
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I’ve lit a candle for Grace and my thoughts and prayers are with her, Odette and you.
May 3rd, 2008 at 4:37 pm
RE: “Kindness may cost you, but it will not kill you.”
why is kindness so difficult then?
especially because not being kind, not reaching out, or the extreme–hate– is what does indeed kill you.
–my prayers are with you all. And YES there are many Graces out there, but YOUR actions inspire more people to reach out to help more Graces. It’s magic. I know I whenever I read your blog I want to be a better person.
May 3rd, 2008 at 6:02 pm
*Have* you contacted Oprah?
May 3rd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Thank you for this post Jen. I needed to hear these words today for although my daughter is not ill, she is in a crisis of another sort. I needed to hear that “there is no need to worry. Everything is unfolding exactly as it should”. I have been digging deep for some months now for the “kindness, dignity and grace that is required from making peace with uncertainty”. Your words filled me up.
Love and blessings to Oddette and her daughter Grace and for all who are holding a space of love and kindness for them.
May 4th, 2008 at 1:01 am
thinking of you and sending warm wishes to odette and grace.
you have such a beautiful heart, jen! xox
May 4th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Kindness and support from beloveds are the candles that offer hope during unknown moments. Prayers to Grace, Odette, and to those sustaining Grace in Africa. And to you too, Jen, for the candle you are to them and the light you shine for us all to receive.
May 4th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Yes - to all of it. To the questions and doubts and disappointment and faith and trust and rest and acceptance and hope in all that lies ahead. Goodness, mercy, kindness, grace, joy, and peace are available at all times in all circumstances, no matter what happens. May you come to KNOW that as never before. May you find strength in Odette’s faith and in ours as well. That’s what this community is for - to carry you and encourage you when you cannot stand or believe or comprehend it on your own. James Taylor sang it years ago: “That’s why I’m here. I’ve got no better reason. That’s why I’m standing before you. That’s right; that’s why I’m here.”
May 5th, 2008 at 12:17 am
I love your chicken. All will be well.
May 5th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
This is beautiful, Jen. I loved the Oprah part.
I love the kindness part. It’s true. I’m a sahm and a substitute teacher. Where I teach, there are a lot of immigrants. And in a community where they’re often ridiculed, teased and stereotyped, a kind, warm smile goes a long way. I love them. Every single one. In all of my subbing days I have not come across one rude, disrespectful, uncooperative immigrant child. Which baffles me b/c I hear about how bad they all are in the community and from the other teachers. But reading what you’ve written, I wonder whether it’s b/c I offer them a kind smile and assume they are wonderful people with interesting stories. Maybe it’s the kindness that makes my experience so different from many of my colleagues and student’s parents. Today I wanted to take 1/2 the class out and hurt them for their unkind and rude comments to their classmates. Not sure how to counteract all the bad. It’s overwhelming at times. But I have to believe, as you’ve written, that one person can make a difference.
I also read the Ben Okri article. Amazing. I printed it off and I’m going to paste it into one of my journals. It’s going to keep me thinking for a long, long while.
Hugs and prayers to you, Odette, and the rest of the crew.
May 6th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
[…] keep thinking about how Lourdes said, “There are so many Graces.” I know she’s right, but I refuse to be discouraged. There […]
March 6th, 2009 at 4:51 am
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