Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
I don’t really know what to write on this post, other than to be totally honest and say that I have been crying pretty much off and on for the last 36 hours. This present from my dearest Tracey totally undid me yesterday and I have been pretty much a mess ever since.
It’s not that I am afraid to go on this trip–I’m really not fearful even the tiniest bit. I believe that I’m safe and that all will be well–here and away. It’s just this overwhelming feeling of crossing over a threshold and feeling like nothing will ever be the same again that’s maybe leaving me more than a little out of sorts. One of my greatest fears has always been that I would lose the people I love if I truly followed my heart. I have a little gremlin-y voice in my head that says it’s selfish or crazy to live this way, that nothing really matters but hearth and home and why do you have to go flying around the world anyway? I don’t know what to do with that voice other than entertain it, at least for a little bit, and honor it, because part of it is totally true. There are no three people I love more on this earth than Madeleine, Carter or Dave, even though poor Dave might be totally shocked to read that sentence. I can’t imagine being separated from them for any serious length of time without feeling like my life would shatter into a million little pieces. When I get to little moments like this, I know in a new way it’s true.
Which brings me to one of the reasons I am going in the first place. “Odette hasn’t seen her girls in two years,” Madeleine said tonight through quiet tears. “I can go without you for nine days.” She is making a conscious sacrifice for what might be the first time in her life–giving up something that feels enormous to her at nine years old, and then considering it in light of a greater whole. I hate this kind of hierarchy of pain–or hierarchy of virtue for that matter. Nothing is better than anything else. And nothing is worse. It is what it is and we each suffer or celebrate as the heart demands. Even Odette agrees. Still. I felt Madeleine’s tears and felt my own and prayed to God, the Universe or Meryl that her joy would match her sorrow while I’m gone, and that her love for me and for Odette would give way to a deep sense of knowing she is growing up full of wonderful Light.
Last night in the middle of all this emotion, Lourdes came, the way she has come so many times, like an angel out of nowhere to hold me together, to pick me up, to tell me the truth in that way only she can. I have been her rock and now she is mine more often than I could ever have dreamed so many years ago.
“I stay, Jennifer. I stay here sleeping with Moira. I can’t leave you now.” I then followed her around the house while she organized me and helped me pack and talked to me and made me calm again. In Myers-Briggs world, Lourdes is the exact opposite of me and yesterday we made a perfect circle. Her strength for my tears, my drama for her calm.
Tomorrow (or is it already today?) I will get on a plane and fly through the day and into the night and when it’s morning, I’ll wake up in Africa where Odette’s incredibly kind family will greet me. What happens after that no one knows, but I am deeply aware it has nothing to do with my tears or my worries or even my hopes and dreams. For so many people (literally hundreds) to rally like this, to give so much with so much joy and so much heart–that can only mean something wonderful is brewing in Rwanda. I am the one who gets to go and see it with my very own eyes, but you are the ones who are giving me confidence in my heart. Everywhere I go I will tell the people I meet how much love you have and how much you gave and how much you believe that amazing things can come from little things–like girls learning to read under the trees or mothers who believe they are so powerful, that they dare to write a little book and then make a way for the ones they love to be with them again.
Odette’s Grace will meet me there and I will see for myself how she is, what she needs, how the drugs are helping (and bothering) her. I will tell her that her mother loves her and that she did not forget her, that she is coming soon, and she need never doubt the reason for this leaving. That her mother is brave behind words and has the determination and persistence to make real dreams come true someday soon. Even this one: of living under one roof, in one house, in one country.
I’m sure this makes no sense at all, but I haven’t the heart to edit. I am so incredibly thankful, so deeply grateful for this moment in my life. I am wise enough to know things like this happen for a reason, and I am foolish enough to believe that hope paves a way when there is no way. You have taught me that a thousand times over and for this I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Hopefully, this will be the last sappy post and the rest will be all Africa and Grace and goodness and wonder. I love you all so much.
May 18th, 2008 at 2:34 am
Fear evaporates in action. I am so proud and happy for you, airborne you, at 30,000 feet, seeing the world as one small, beautiful, loving-kind you, nothing but you.
May 18th, 2008 at 2:43 am
“Leap and the net will appear.” You are doing just that and you will be held in peace and love and joy as all your intentions are so pure and lovely. Thank you for bringing your light and love (and Odette’s too) to a continent and country that needs it so much.
Have a wonderful time!
Best,
Cate in Cal
May 18th, 2008 at 4:16 am
strength to you, you are a good and also a great woman, and your daughter is growing into one too. you are held in so many people’s thoughts and hearts as you go on this journey.
May 18th, 2008 at 5:56 am
You are such a blessing, Jen. Love, love, love, love, love.
May 18th, 2008 at 8:28 am
I found this posting from Shutter Sisters. The courage pen is a wonderful gift to receive. I hope you are safe where you are and that you come back better for having gone. It’s a scary thing you’re doing, scary on so many levels. Courage is definitely the word.
May 18th, 2008 at 9:21 am
Yes, indeed, you are a blessing. Safe travels, Jen. We love you.
May 18th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Godspeed, my beautiful friend.
May 18th, 2008 at 10:28 am
YEEEEE HAW!!!
rock it so big time!
the cheering section will just keep cheering!
May 18th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Go with God, sister. Your journey is filled with Christ, filled by Christ.
May 18th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Blessings to you. Every blessing on your journey. Bless you!
May 18th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Yeah!!!!!! Go! Go!! Go!!!
I love that .. feel the fear and do it anyway!
It’s okay to be afraid. That makes you human.
I can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow!
May 18th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Very safe travels and moving adventures!
May 18th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
This reminds me of the way I felt in Vietnam, like what I was seeing and capturing was important although I didn’t know it, that I would be back, although I did not know how or why, that although this was in no way the path I had dreamed for myself, that it was unfolding somehow as it should.
I have never been a patient person in body or spirit, but I am learning.
Your words and your journey - the hands and hearts that have rallied around it - are an example of your goodness and your embodiment of those words of Gandhi’s, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
You make such a difference, you are such an inspiration - and you are creating such a beautiful woman in your daughter, it will continue to unfold.
Travel light…cannot wait to see the photos and hear the stories. : )
May 18th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Happy trails! God be with you.
May 18th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Thank you for sharing your incredible journey. What you may or may not realize is that you give those hearing your story the courage to follow their hearts as you are now.
Its best said in the quote:
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
Thank you and safe travels,
May 19th, 2008 at 12:05 am
I came undone reading this. You are a brave, strong, incredible woman. Your family must be so proud of you and must also be brave, strong, and incredible.
May 19th, 2008 at 12:44 am
you’ve been on my mind all day jen. oh my goodness. i can hardly believe you are almost there! you are the bravest woman I know. i love you so very much. traveling mercies my sister.
May 19th, 2008 at 1:32 am
Only goods thoughts and wishes and dreams for your journey.
I can’t wait to hear all about it.
May 19th, 2008 at 6:33 am
Godspeed sweet Jen. Godspeed.
May 19th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
All good things for this trip. xo
May 19th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
travel safely. you are doing a wonderful thing.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
I am so proud of you,
so blessed to call you my friend.
xoA
May 19th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
sending you love and wings for safe travels and a wonderful journey!
May 20th, 2008 at 7:17 am
wow! sending thoughts of adventure, strength, and peace to you on this momentous journey. enjoy! thanks for so honestly sharing this with your readers. you are so very inspiring.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Our fears are love from another angle. Your fears are lovely, and loving. Best wishes for a loving, safe voyage.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:52 am
What beautiful thoughts to share - no surprise given that it’s you. I’m glad you didn’t edit it - it so sounds like all the best of Jen. Goodspeed.
May 20th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
You are blessed and blessing us in the process. God speed to you my friend. God Speed.
May 20th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
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May 21st, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Cheering you on and celebrating the changes you will most assuredly experience on this journey. Safe travels.
May 22nd, 2008 at 1:46 am
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