Leaning on Grace, Letting it Be
this comes to me from kindness girl who is teaching me it is okay to be
I’m in deep grief today, the kind that comes not of depression or despair, but of letting go of pretending that certain things do not give me deep heartache or pain. It is a magical place, let me tell you, where time collapses and you can feel the heart of God, if you only have the courage to reach out your hand.
I have been praying these days which is saying something, since most of the time I do so suspecting my words never make it past my tear stained couch. Still. There is something to being on one’s knees, face down in your arms, asking for radical change, leaning on grace.
Sometimes my answers come in the form of angels sent to me unaware, and for this I often feel like God’s favorite. I am so often upheld by giants of Love, the kind of people who you pass on the street and feel sorry for because they are poor or uneducated or unable to speak much English. One of my superpowers is to understand and know deeply that true treasures wait here, that a certain kind of strength and confidence resides in the exact places and in the very people you’d least expect.
This morning I am thankful for L. She showed up yesterday afternoon, arriving as she always does, right when I need her most. She lent me her calm and her strength and stayed until dawn because that’s how long I needed her near to know I will be okay.
I am feeling stronger now and a little bit of hope, that this is not the end of my story, that change will bring me to peaceful shores. I hope this Love Thursday, you are feeling the same.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:03 am
You are God’s favorite!
Check out Misty Edward’s song “Favorite One” on her album Always on His Mind.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Your willingness to feel both the good and the bad help me remember how important all of that is to our being, and what Grace truly is. Thank you.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:05 am
….this morning i am thankful for you and your words.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Oh Jen … I’m so glad you have Love around you. That you have people that love you to take care of you … because I can hardly stand not being able to be with you, or give you advice, or what helped me … blah, blah, blah (I know that stuff doesn’t really help anyway, b/c we each need to find our own path) … though all I know of you is your blog. You(r blog) came to me in my dark times, walked with me as I saw the light peeking through the cracks. I’ll trust that you have people/books/blogs/angels walking with you too.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Isn’t it something else when you surrender? I have been reading a lot about that lately…asking God to give me the strength to simply leap and trust the net will be there. I already know it will be there…I just need to jump. Surrender, really.
I love reading your words. They always give me such hope and your spirit shines through like you can not imagine. You are a blessing and I am so happy to have met you and consider you a friend.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:50 am
I am walking through similar vales at the moment … and you sharing here, and just the fact that someone else is there, has sustained me. I hope it sustains you too to know that many of us are just having to let it be and rely on grace to carry us … not merely through this but forever.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:52 am
i am sitting here quietly in my little house so very thankful for you and the pieces of you that you share here.
sending you peace and light in this moment.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Look up Oriah Mountain Dreamer on the web.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I am grateful for your open-hearted sharing … and timely reminder of ‘grace’ in the face of ‘grief embraced and examined’ … most of us have walked this road … we need not to forget ourselves, but rather remember and move forth on our journey … just as we are.
Hugs and blessings,
August 7th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I read this once in a Max Lucado book and would like to share it with you. I hope it encourages the very core of your soul as the writings of your heart do mine. You are SO loved, Jen Lemen!
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He send you flowers every Spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He’ll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and he chose your heart. Face it my friend, He’s crazy about you!
August 7th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
my prayers join yours. you are loved. you are wanted. you are in a tough place, but you are right, it is the best place. you are loved in this place. you are wanted in this place. you are cared for in this place, provided for, lavished on, delighted in. i pray that the words of the one who lavishes love on you, delights in you, provides for you will be louder than any other. i pray that you would be consumed with love. forever.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
i’m glad you’re writing. hanging in there with you. be brave.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
“I’m in deep grief today, the kind that comes not of depression or despair, but of letting go of pretending that certain things do not give me deep heartache or pain.”
What a perfect way to describe it… I know what you mean. I’ve been working on letting go and accepting that those things truly did hurt me for a long while now.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
If I could offer you a real hug right now, I would. Please accept this virtual one of comfort and understanding.
August 7th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I am so sorry for your heartache Jen….I hope soon you’ll be able to let it go.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Standing beside you.
Praying beside you.
Grateful for your strength.
xo
August 7th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
It’s so interesting to see you speak of God and angels. I didn’t know that about you, and it changes so much. It’s just adding new colour to you, making me wish that much more that we could talk for a few hours or a few nights.
xoxo thinking of you.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Lighting a candle, sending you love, strength and peace. What is on the other side of all of this is so important for you and the world, sweet Jen. I just know it in my gut.
Veronique
August 8th, 2008 at 12:31 am
Thinking about you, Jen. Stay close to love and faith.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:10 am
Jen, you’ve been very firmly in my thoughts in the weeks since we connected at BlogHer, and last night you were very alive in my dreams.
I lit a candle for you just now, and am wishing you peace and clarity in your pivotal moments.
xo.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
For what it’s worth coming from a heathen like me, I can not only assure you that you are God’s favorite, but that you are God’s only child.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
i do now.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I am thankful for you, Jen, and for this post. I decided to read your sister’s blog- I hadn’t visited there for a while. It was just what my heart needed. And just when I thought the doors of my heart couldn’t open any wider, I clicked on her friend Kristin’s blog. And it was there that I realized that the reason the anxieties I’ve struggled with this week finally went away because I stopped fighing them.
August 9th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Jen, this is not how your story ends. You are a strong, inspiring woman - even when you don’t feel strong. You are one of life’s survivors, who can rise above any circumstance and challenge. Just look at all the positive things you’ve done - are doing - to enrich other people’s lives and give them hope. You are blessed and all this angst and grief is temporary, I promise you. Better days are ahead - your story is still being written. xo
August 9th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
In my own depression, the kind that comes from irreversible decisions I’ve made in my life, I can let myself be sad and just be. Until things work themselves out through universal forces I don’t understand, or until the solution makes itself apparent in my mind.
I can just be, and let it be.
But honestly, Jen, I envy that you can let go of pretending that certain things do not give you deep heartache or pain. Truth like this video. Truth that you heard in the stories of Africa. Truth in the hurt others experience, loss they grieve, over situations beyond their control. For just trying to be part of a solution.
These are the things that I cannot hold in my heart for more than a few minutes at a time, or I collapse into a ball on the floor. This is the place where I cannot control, I cannot fix, and I can’t protect others from it’s harm. And that’s a scary place.
August 11th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Sending more prayers and more love for more strength on your way.
I love you.
Fatou
August 12th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Beautiful blog, beautiful words…
Love to you.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I hope you are finding comfort in your grief. To let it be, to let it go, is sometimes what we need to do day by day, little by little, on this grief journey. As you give hope and heart to others, I hope it comes back to you. Bless you.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
I’m late here, but I wanted to add my own bit of love to buoy you along in your own personal ocean…you are wise, and so full of grace yourself, to let yourself collapse and lean on those everlasting arms. Isn’t that the best phrase? Everlasting arms.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
love and peace to you.
August 16th, 2008 at 6:02 am
sometimes when we open our hearts…we become even more vulnerable and sensitive, which makes us feel more fragile…
but it is all good feelings, being in that moment, wondering, thinking, feeling…
for these are living in the moment! xx