Pay attention to what you’re drawn to. What you’re drawn to is the map.
Jen Gray
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August 12th, 2008 at 7:14 am
I must say I woke up this morning crying. Not crying really but sobbing. You see, I became a participant of the system. Years ago I had a daughter that was born with birth defects. Maybe I was too sensitive maybe not sensitive enough. I don’t know. I tried to raise her on my own because her father could not handle it. It wasn’t a huge defect. Some facial deformity, but most of all I couldn’t stand to see her hurt. She grew up to become a drug addict. She sought out love in all the wrong places and had five children all with different daddys. Time passed and I eventually took each child in and tried to keep them together as a family. I love these kids. I took their mother in too because after all she is my daughter and their mother. Six years ago the county gave me custody of three of the kids. Shortly afterward the fathers, who were never in the picture wanted their children. After years of raising the kids I fought to keep them. I won at that time. Everything seemed normal enough. The dads never showing up on their week ends and the mom still using drugs and people. I kept the kids from seeing what was happening. Then the stress started building. After two years of sobriety she used and got caught. She had enough drugs in her to kill her when they stopped her but did not die. Another battled with the courts. And then…a woman who wanted a man so badly that she faked a pregnancy to move into his house. Well, when there was no pregnancy she needed a reason to be there. Enter another court case. The judge not listening to our side, decided to give temporary custody of an eight year girl to her dad. the dad that had just as much trouble as the mom. They used together. He removed her from our house and my care and I was accused of child endangerment because her mother lived with us. I could not tell her what was happening. I could not see her. I could not talk to her for 3 months. I needed to take him to court to get grandparents rights even though I still had legal custody of her. The case hung in limbo for two years. I was allowed time only when the girl friend saw fit. After two years of jumping through hoops, we called the court system and demanded our money back or a permanent decision. Another person came into the picture. Another person who sided with him. He has lied this whole time. Even though I hate to say this, I have been victimized. I have been accused of being crazy because I have an opinion and I cannot stand by to see these kids hurt. I have no rights. The girlfriend has rights. In the mean time they lost their house and were foreclosed on. They lived for one year rent free. They move further away from me. They bought a new place. Very nice, new and in a respectable, young community. They must have saved their rent money. As we, struggle to make ends meet, and take care of the rest of the kids, they have my little girl, who I raised and new life. I have four kids that lost part of the their tribe, and we are for sure struggling. I am 63 soon. No job. Life changes. I am angry. I have become another statistic of the court system. I really don’t understand how people who lie, get by with it. I could have lied but didn’t. It has been a whirl wind of years and tears for me these last 6 years. I’m still crying. I’m still crying and screaming it isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I am angry at God. I thought that if you did the right thing that you would always win. I am wounded at the core. I am mad as hell and there is not one thing that can be done about it. So I wake up crying. Right now, I cannot see any good in this. We have spent all of our retirement. My daughter is sober but not grateful. I want to change my attitude but I can’t get over to the other side of my brain and figure this out. I paint. I paint and make things and do art and try to have a bit of sanity. I am a wild woman. I am an old and wild woman. Be careful. Don’t trust in man or womankind. It is painful being a woman. I want to scream!
August 12th, 2008 at 8:41 am
This is the perfect post for me today. Simple and yet oh-so-powerful, timely, and relevant. THANK YOU!!!
August 12th, 2008 at 9:52 am
I liked her words a lot. Definitely resonated with my spirit.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:40 am
jen gray is a wise woman!
August 12th, 2008 at 10:45 am
What a wonderful quote… so simple, yet so profound.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:04 am
[…] My friend Jen Lemen has this little doozy today: […]
August 12th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Thanks Jen and Jen. You hit me right where I need to be hit today. It spawned a post for me here.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Beautiful photograph and beautiful words. Just right.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Yes, thank you jen and jen. (jen squared — the power of your words and images truly are exponential.)
A little over a year ago I wouldn’t have appreciated let alone understood the meaning of the words. Maybe I’m slowly learning to pay attention. And study the map.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
nancye, I am sorry that life has been so painful. I wish that I could say that it is all going to work out in the end…..but I can’t guarantee that. Those kids know that you love them and that is the most important thing.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
the energy off this is pushing me into a new day. thank you.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
nancye, i know these words may sound trite with what you are going through, i hope you hear them though…be KIND to YOU. thank you for being brave enough to share your pain with us. being so vulnerable is a gift. i’m inspired by your strength!
love those words from a very brave woman, jen gray. you rock sister!
August 12th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I definilty agree with that. Thank you for sharing this with us today.
August 12th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Nancye, I can’t find words soothing enough but want to wrap my arms around your world right now. Look at what you’re drawn too - Jen’s healing place. I found my way here, too, in the midst of my own juggernaut. We’re still standing, loving, laughing, faithful and strong. You will find your way, Nancye … maybe you will have to float in the calm eye of the storm until it loses its power over you. Love to you.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
I’ve been drawn to your site repeatedly in recent weeks. Love the words. Love the work. Pure. Simple. Beauty.
Many thanks,
Kate
August 13th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Many thanks for this,I’m sending the healing and hope that it gives me right back to you.
Nancye, I’m so sorry for all of the pain; and glad that you found your way to Jen’s blog. Take Care.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:20 am
pure magic all around.
August 14th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
w.o.r.d.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
memories of the bonfire and swirling around my head and heart….
jen gray is wise and wonderful and beeeeeautiful to boot. this photo captures her wildness in the most intense and inspiring way. i am transfixed by it, by her and by you jen lemen.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:45 am
I am paying better attention and she’s such a wise woman!
August 16th, 2008 at 6:00 am
Wise and wonderful…like you xx
August 19th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Dear Jen,
I am a scrapbooker from South Carolina who is a frequent reader of Jenni Ballantyne’s blog The Comfy Place. I was so impressed to read that you and a few other woman put together a fund raiser for her last spring. I wold like to do another one. I feel that with her upcoming surgery she is going to need all of the help she can get. I am willing to spearhead this effort and I have some ideas. I think a scrapbooking auction would work well. I don’t want to go into the details here but I could not find your email address. I just have a few questions for you. Could you send me an email at sjpaddock@gmail.com?
Thanks and have a groovy week.
Shaun
http://www.roomswithaview.typepad.com
August 19th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
perfect. xo to you jen lemen. xoxoxoxox
August 19th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
You never cease to inspire! Short of gushing, I am in awe of your creativity and beautiful family. Thanks for the healthy shot of color.
August 19th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Thanks for the reminder. We just have to let go, trust and love ourselves. The good. The bad. And the terribly ugly.
August 20th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Delurking…
I saw this post last week, loved the photo and quote. I wondered where the photo was taken. Then, I read some other blogs this week, and realized this photo is taken at the base of my beautiful Neahkanie - a magical place - in my town.
Sometime, when you are at the coast, I really hope to meet you, as you inspire me. I’m so happy this place I love so much gifted you with beauty, community, and joy as it gifts me, every single day.
Warmly,
Denise
Back to lurking…