Crazy Things I Never Tell You
Odette’s mom and Innocent, her youngest son
1. Almost everyday Odette or I call Rwanda to get the news about the girls, her mom and various family members and friends we love and care for.
2. To call Rwanda, we need phonecards. These phonecards are cheap (about $2 to talk for 20 minutes) but they don’t always work properly. When they do work properly, the cell phone network in Rwanda does not work properly. Sometimes it can take three or four tries a several times a day to get through.
3. Because the mail to/from Rwanda is so unreliable, we are constantly playing phone tag with strangers who’ve we’ve heard through the grapevine may/may not be going to/from Rwanda. This is our primary way to get important documents related to the girls back and forth. Shockingly, this system works 99.9% of the time.
4. I’ve started thinking all this is normal.
5. Odette’s favorite English words are “ridiculous” and “disaster” which is good because it always gives me a good laugh when we are caught in the insanity of #2 or #3.
6. We have many other children and projects we are supporting that we never talk about on the blog. Last week, for instance, we sent money someone sent us to pay for Odette’s sister-in-law to go to driving school. The week before that we helped Odette’s niece join a banana co-op, so she can turn a pretty profit at the market. A month before that we sent two little girls to a little nursery school under the trees for pennies.
7. The women (and girls) we help feel like they are the shit when they get these opportunities. Odette and I tell them it’s true. Other family members fear we are making them too big for their britches. We hope so.
8. Odette’s been in the hospital for ONE MONTH following complications from her surgery. We both have a little crush on her surgeon who is older, but very cute, and thank God because otherwise we might want to kill him if we didn’t know he’s one of the best surgeons around.
9. If you go to the hospital in Rwanda and they decide to admit you, one of your family members has to go back and forth and bring you breakfast, lunch and dinner. THERE IS NO CLEAN FRESH WATER IN THE HOSPITAL, so they will have to bring you water, too. Same goes if your husband beats you and the police put him in jail. If no one feeds you either place, you have to go home.
10. Once a day I flip out on the inside thinking about #9. This makes me crazy.
11. As soon as Grace got better from having TB, she immediately contracted malaria–a very strong, severe case. We have no money for this. She is in the hospital right now and her immune system is shot from so many years of various illness.
12. Our friend Betty is running back and forth to the hospital taking care of Grace because Innocent (Odette’s brother and the girls primary caretaker) is severely ill due to complications from his genocide wounds & can’t see a doctor until Monday. Betty is an orphan who walked (yes, you read that right) walked from the Congo to Rwanda with her sister when she was 13 years old. She is in her early 20’s now and has found ways to stay in school, even though it’s taking her forever to finish high school & she floats from kind person’s house to kind person’s house. She wants to be a doctor someday.
Odette’s mom Esther, our friend Betty and Lillian, in the village
13. I try not to let my mind go here, but if Innocent does not get adequate care and (God forbid) dies (and people die all the time for stupid treatable reasons in Africa) a lot of people will be toast. He is caring and watching out for a wide network of widows and orphans, including Odette’s girls and people like Betty. He’s also our main contact on distributing funds and overseeing who needs what, when. His health problems right now are related to complications with old genocide injuries. Aside from all this, he’s the last person on earth you want to see suffer.
14. I’m going to Los Angeles this week to talk about charitable giving for a private gathering for a Very Lovely Large Corporation. I think they have no idea what charitable giving looks like in my world and how funny that term sounds to me right now. What else could they call it? Charitable living? (Write me if you want to come!)
15. There are NO organizations that I know of (and someone out there PLEASE prove me wrong) that provide health care for survivors of the genocide. If you want to weave a basket or get counseling for post traumatic stress disorder, no problem, but if the wounds you received in attacks designed to kill you create long term complications, you are on your own.
16. There is only one CAT scan machine in Rwanda and very few doctors who know how to use it. Of course, if that CAT scan reveals you need surgery, you have to get a transfer to Nairobi (Kenya) or Pretoria (South Africa). Of course, you can’t get a CAT scan without going through a maze of referrals.
Of course, every military doctor I talk to in America tells me Innocent needs a CAT scan. Of course, there is no emergency care on weekends and he is in excruciating pain *right now* after a month of standing in lines in order to obtain the elusive CAT scan referral. Of course, this makes us crazy.
17. I feel helpless most of the time and am making peace with the fact that I don’t know what will happen next and there’s not much I can do about it.
18. I feel calm most of the time and am experiencing a lot of joy in being present. In a weird way, it really isn’t that hard, even though the logistics are frustrating.
19. If you are still reading this list, I love you. These are the kinds of things I mostly don’t talk about because I think people will get sick of hearing it or will want to fix it or will tell me I’m being dysfunctional or will not understand or will think that something is wrong or will be jealous of my diverted attention or will hate me. I know this is irrational, but so am I sometimes.
20. If I die tomorrow, I’ll die happy. In case you were wondering. 
All the funds from this post will go towards creating an Odette Family Health Fund to cover emergencies, doctor visits, CAT scans (which run around $250) and other health needs. As always, even donations of $5 make a big difference when we’re all in this together.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Good Heavens, woman. You are such a blessing to be in their lives. I made a contribution to the fund and I hope it helps. You go to Cali and you turn it out on that corporation. Turn it OUT!
November 8th, 2008 at 11:17 am
The love, the sparkle in those eyes and smiles gets me every time. We truly do need one another….we’re all in this together. Thank you for this post - I totally get your frustrations, your desires, your vision, your heart.
I am very interested in joining you in Los Angeles. Please get in touch with me.
xoxo, ~ M.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Thank you for telling us. Everything.
#19. We love you too.
#20. DON’T. I mean, yes, be happy, but DON’T.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:18 am
#9 bothers me. #15 destroys me. #14 gives me great amounts of hope. #20 will be a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time from now
November 8th, 2008 at 11:19 am
This is amazing. I’m sad I couldn’t donate more, but I made a contribution. I’ll definitely do it again as soon as I can.
Beautiful photos, too.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:45 am
It’s shattering, Jen, the amount of impossibility there seems against these beautiful people. I think by posting the majority of your worries, you are letting all of us know how we can help more. The only thing I can think of is getting another U.S. doctor to sponsor these loved ones and bring them HERE. NOW. I don’t know anything about anything but I’m praying that those who do will come alongside and help out.
November 8th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Jen, I’m so glad you are *being* involved. We have such similar experiences with our Ethiopian friends (who are our family). But I think you don’t get to know this is what it is like without getting to know people who have family who live in parts of Africa. I love that you tell us all of this. How else will we all hear what it’s like.
I want to share this with you …. my family lived in Ethiopia for 4 years. Doing development work. By far the best years of our lives. The woman who helped my mom around the house and with us kids grew very attached to our family as we did to her. Now she is married with 4 girls. One of her girls has asked to come and live with my mom and dad and go to school here. So she can send money back to her family, so they won’t starve (literally). The trying to get stuff to her (forms, money, etc.) by way of anyone we hear about going to Ethiopia, trying to get a phone connection (via phone cards) … it’s crazy. Never mind the thought of the amount of money we need to collect/save/beg to pay for her ticket here and then for her education and living expenses. We don’t know quite how we’ll do it, but how can we not? If she’s asking, how can we not?
So I TOTALLY appreciate this post. And I LOVE that you put it out there. Don’t stop!!
xoxoxo
November 8th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
This is the first time I am leaving a comment. I love coming here and being inspired by you. I read every word you write and surround myself with your amazing authenticity. I have given you a bit of a nod on my blog in the hopes that others will come here and be inspired as I am. <3
November 8th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Jen - Your writing always astounds and moves me. Please, please, let’s find a few minutes for coffee. I have an idea that could help locally. I can also help this weekend with bringing Odette home - just call. Love to you, Brenda
November 8th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I love your term “charitable living” Jen, there is no greater satisfaction in life than doing something for someone who can never pay you back. Even if it’s just letting your neighbor get a bucket of water from your faucet so she can flush her toilet.
November 8th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I hope you continue to share these things. It helps me to move and think beyond my little corner of the world. Really puts everything in perspective, and I need that.
I wish I could give right now. As soon as I can, I will.
I hope you know, you are an angel. Take care of yourself.
November 8th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I threw a few bucks in the bin - thank you so much for giving us opportunities to look and be bigger than our immediate lives. May hope sneak around the corner and surprise you today. lots of love
November 8th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Don’t laugh.
When I read about your friend Betty and South Africa and how eager she is to learn…I was thinking…why not contact Oprah, who has a private school for especially talented black girls who are eager to learn and become leaders in our world? Betty sounds like such a woman…
and all the other things…is true for Africa. I did volunteer work for CHOC (Childhood Cancer Foundation) and we tried to let the people in the world know about the signs of cancer so that they can get to a doctor sooner so that they can be treated! I know the absolute helplessness you feel when you want to help…and you are doing your best, but you feel…i have to do more!
you are doing your best. its’ good Jen. It’s great! xx
November 8th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
PS: Oprah’s school is in Johannesburg, South Africa xx
November 8th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
I’m glad you shared this list. Make us all shift out of our own self centered lives and look at the world differently. I think you are a blessing and creating change in more ways than you will ever realize.
Keep sharing.
Check out http://www.we-actx.org/ ( although I don’t know if they provide anything more than counseling and sewing classes…)
November 8th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
I’ve been reading your blog for a while (I think right after you got back from Rwanda) and enjoying it a great deal. I lived in Rwanda for two years (2002-2004), and lately I’ve been missing it a lot. I have two questions/comments.
First, I am wondering if you know anyone who is going back and forth to Rwanda and can be relied upon to take some money with them (P.D.X. to Kigali - but I can send a check anywhere in the US). A friend of mine is in great need because her husband died of HIV five years ago and I try to help her when I can. Right now I can, but I really don’t want to pay Western Union fees.
Second, I have another friend who is an Ethiopian surgeon in Rwanda. He is no longer practicing (silly project management jobs pay better), but I have emailed him to ask if he has any connections in the surgery world who may be able to help Innocent. We will see if anything comes of that.
November 8th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I so know about all those medical problems. I live in Tanzania and if I am really sick I know there is just one way for me: a 5-to-7-hour drive to Nairobi…. People die eveveryday here because of not getting the proper diagnosis of the proper treatment. That is reality there. The situation is getting better but it is too slow.
November 8th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Steps to a Fulfilled Life
#1 - Follow your passion.
#2 - Raise a ruckus when needed.
#3 - Then put your fingers in your ears.
#4 - That way you can hear your passionate heart beat peacefully because you’ve done it’s bidding, and not the worlds.
And keep going - because you are one “big passion heart” person and the world needs that. It is easier to ignore than it is too deal.
much love,
Jenna
November 8th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Can I just say…I love you.
November 8th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Oh Jen, can’t believe Odette is still in the hospital! I sent a donation and will link to your post. If this presidential election we’ve been through has taught us anything, it’s that we all are connected and together can accomplish wonders! Thank you for continuing to share Odette’s story and the challenges of her family. xo
November 8th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Jen, I don’t read you PROPERLY half often enough, and I comment even less than that but having read that wonderful, aweful, wonderful list I so much wanted to send you my very best love and admiration and gratitude.
That all sounds much more formal and controlled than I feel.
LOVE you, who you are and all that you do
November 8th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Jen, I will NEVER get tired of hearing about all of this. People need to be eduacated. I need to be educated! First, I read your blog everyday, and when I do, I always hope I’m going to read more about Odette and her family and about Rwanda. I cannot get enough. Your stories feed my soul so please do not stop telling them.
November 8th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
i love you, too … for being honest and brave and willing. Prayers go with you to LA and with Odette and the rest of the family. Isn’t it an amazing feeling to know if we died today we died happy? I believe that’s the sign of doing the work we’re meant to do. peace be upon us all…
November 8th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Thank you for sharing these things! I think these are just the things we need to know. It’s important for those of us who have come to care for Odette and her family through you and it’s important for anyone who wants to help. What you do is difficult and important but also proves that it’s doable. That a little bit of money, the courage to ask strangers for help, sheer persistence ARE actually enough ’cause you’re doing it and it’s making a difference. A real difference.
Thank you.
November 8th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
J. It makes sense to me … my mom goes through the same dialogue (sometimes INNER sometimes OUTER) every day of her life.
She too, feels like she is tired of speaking it because alot of times she gets negative reactions from us spoiled americans.
Do what you need to … and speak what you need to … and plug your hears and say “la la la la la” when people start talking smack.
It’s hard to remember, but if you don’t keep talking, people won’t have the opportunity to hear.
November 8th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
She has malaria. My God. I just can’t believe… she just can’t catch a break that poor girl. There is so much I want to say, but just can’t. Odette… and Innocent… Have mercy, Lord.
I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this burden (of knowing of all this) so long. Jen. Please, please, please continue allowing us to carry some of it with you.
xo
November 8th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
I love you too.
I’ve only been reading for about a year, so forgive me if you have said this 800 times, but is there some reason the girls (and the rest of the gang - mom, brother, etc.) cannot get to the US? I am sure this is such a dumb question it makes you want to punch me right in the face, but I’ve always wondered that.
I am sure if you have to stand in lines to get a CAT scan the paperwork and lines to get to the US is more than I can imagine, but … oh goodness … can you just spell it out for me? Just the short version is fine.
And also, I love these posts. If sharing lightens your load then share, because the reading is a delight. Isn’t there some quote like “shared joy is double joy and shared sorrow is half-sorrow?” - I think that applies here.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Jen-I read all the way through although I know the story by heart. I love you buckets. Hang in there darling…
November 8th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
I sat here with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as I read, and re-read each and every word. I grew up in India and remember vividly the slums, and the children living on the streets, and the women rummaging through dirt in search of food for the family. I remember being hugged by a middle-aged man who had less fat on him than, a girl of six, did.
These people were family to me because my mother worked for Mother Teresa and we spent day after day with her as she tended to the sick and the dying. This was the greatest education I could ever have had, and it taught me that we must never give up on other people, nor must we ever lose our compassion.
I would love to help, I would love to reach out, I would love to show I care by doing much more than posting on a blog about it.
Please don’t stop sharing this. You are an amazing, compassionate woman driven to help and if I could be even a tiny bit like you, I would be proud.
Bella
November 8th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
jen - i too will never tire of hearing your’s and Odette’s story…please keep telling it. much love to you.
xoxox
November 9th, 2008 at 1:51 am
Psalm 56 has been monumental to me the past few days, like it was written for me. Maybe it can encourage you.
Please speak of Africa more, not less. If we all spoke up and acted when our spirits ached to be heard, the world would be more like it was intended to be. After all, didn’t all of this begin with the simple kind act of lending a stranger your phone? You could have easily justified answering no and the world would be different. The simplicity of your kindness is making a dynamic impact.
Tonight I will pray for all of these things, and for you that you will be overwhelmed by peace, that you will be encouraged by the good not weighted down by the need.
November 9th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Wow. Thank you for sharing and for all that you do.
November 9th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Jen, I’m SO glad you “got all this off your chest” because the extra detail made it all click somehow (I’m a detail kind gal!)by giving me a greater overview of what’s happening with Odette’s family & in Rwanda generally.
I understand your “irrational fears” - i have them too; but IGNORE them! They aren’t true & what you are doing needs to be broadcast far & wide.
It had never occurred to me that survivors of the genocide were living with serious injuries & everthing associated with that. Rather than feel guilty about my ignorance I want to do something to help & will email you to explore a way to help I have in mind.
THANK YOU for telling us all this - it has been enlightening & helpful. You go & do what you can, keep telling us & we’ll join you in doing what we can.
Big hugs to you & Odette
November 9th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
dear jen, never stop writing about this.
my prayers are with you and odette and inncocent and the girls. truly.
xo
November 9th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
jen*
please tell me/us these things. please don’t ever stop telling me/us these things b/c you think people will get sick of hearing it. please, please, please. i/we need your voice.
warmly,
gem
November 10th, 2008 at 12:40 am
I am so haunted by Innocent…
the first time you shared with us about him, i felt that way.
Thanks for sharing, Jen, I want to hear more more more…
Sending prayers and good energy and lighting a candle for you all tonight.
Keep keeping on, jen, keep keeping on.
November 10th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Sending lots of prayers to you all!!
November 10th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I put some in the pot for you. I hope that Grace can get anti-malarial medication that will sort her out, and that Betty gets the things she needs. You are a wellspring of joy and passion and support, and it is a wonderful thing.
November 10th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Thank you for continuing to share your story and connection with Odette, Jen. You’re beautiful in so many ways.
November 10th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
never stop writing about these things !
jen I’m away from home and waiting for money to come through myself but I’ll donate as soon as able to. The stuff about genocide victims not getting any medical treatment is outrageous. Can you/we persuade Medicinces Sans Frontiers to go there? This seems like a cause we can sure get people to donate to.
November 11th, 2008 at 2:23 am
I never get tired of hearing about it–keep us updated! I’m in LA–need anything?
November 11th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Love you too! xo
November 12th, 2008 at 10:24 am
WOW… thanks for sharing your heart… yet again. My thoughts and prayers are with Odette and her family as well as you and your family.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:36 am
thank you for sharing every single word of this post.
i am holding all of you in my heart…
November 13th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I read the whole list because I love you. I love everything you write even when it makes me cry.
I keep a small fund in paypal to splurge on myself occasionally for fun stuff on Etsy. I gave it to Odette’s family fund today. Someday there will be things they create and sell on Etsy that I can buy!
November 14th, 2008 at 1:26 am
Jen–I just donated. Is this the fund you want to make 501(c)(3)? Have fun in L.A. See you when you get back.
November 15th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
You are beautiful. You are an inspiration. Thank you for all that you do.
November 17th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
wonderful! Heather and I have been enjoying your blog. We added you art work to our Holiday gift guide and we are donating a % of sales of our Nesting Pillow to the Odette Fund through the end of December. You are such a blessing!
http://www.blessednestperch.com/home-at-blessed-nest/2008/11/17/christmas-gift-guide-by-blessed-nest.html
http://www.blessednest.com
Love to the moon and back
Donna