Shaking the Shoulds with Mondo Beyondo
I’m coming out of blog hibernation to invite you to join me for the Mondo Beyondo January session. I’ve doing almost all my very favorite writing in this class about learning how to trust for the sake of your dreams, and I’d be thrilled to have you along. No matter what, I hope you’ll consider shaking the shoulds for 2010. Here’s one of my favorite posts from a few years ago that feels just right as I start thinking about a new year.
i really should stop eating so much pie
I’m finding myself on the verge of holding on to some “shoulds” regarding my plans for new year. For example:
I should lose weight.
I should write inspiring things in this blog.
I should NOT be honest about how tired and bored I am at the moment.
I should try to make money.
I should follow through on __________ (too many things here to name or count).
I should NOT disappoint _____________ (see above).
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with should. I believe strongly for instance that you should NOT strangle your children (as tempting as that may be) or abuse your dear ones, and that they should NOT abuse you. And God knows it would be really good for my health if I lost some weight or developed the discipline to be very focused when it comes to certain projects.
But still.
Sometimes an internal monologue of shoulds is a sign that some little voice is calling the shots, and it’s not me. At least not the me that understands deep down that love is always the way, that TRUST melts into opportunity, that the joy of discovery is the most creative, fruitful enterprise every single time, that I always finish best in an atmosphere of grace not just pressure.
Do you know what I mean? Or does just the mere thought of giving up the shoulds send you into a panic?
It’s scary to give up the shoulds because we fear that without obligation, duty or pressure we won’t become the people we most want to be–responsible, kind, generous and adventurous. We’re worried that without the shoulds we’ll be fatter than God and selfish and unlovable. But I promise you it’s not true. Underneath the shoulds is the truest you, the one who is willing to learn and change and grow and give, not because she has to, but because she wants to.
At least that’s what the real me tells me, when I listen very close.
So. I think I’ll start the new year with a blazing fire, fueled by a bunch of tiny papers marking all the shoulds I don’t need to keep for the new year. This is the kind of idea I get and then get scared to follow up on (for all the reasons I listed above!) so I’m inviting you to help me out by doing it, too. What could happen if we started a brand new year without the weight and worry of the shoulds? What kinds of good things would unfold if you gave yourself permission to create something new?
December 10th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
I think I will join you and find out - I have a feeling that only good will come of it. Because behind everything else, I really do believe that love (including for myself) is always the way.
Speaking of pie .. when I buy a pie (I am scared of crust so never make it), I tend to eat a piece one night, and the rest is eaten for breakfasts. Then I feel guilty. (Pie for breakfast! Gasp!) It takes effort to remind myself that when I eat it, I feel happy and joyful - and is there really any better way to start out the day?
December 10th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
I think that SHOULDS are a great thing when they are things like ::
I should get another tattoo
I should take more bubblebaths
I should dance more with my husband.
THOSE kind of shoulds are on my list for 2010….
(keep eating that pie … looks scrumptious!)
December 11th, 2009 at 12:35 am
so funny that i should read this today…i actually started thinking about my “january 1 post” over the last few days and it was eerily similar in concept. i HATE resolutions, and when you think about it, they are almost always “shoulds.” we obviously agree that these can be destructive.
but i agree with naomi…the list i have been dreaming up is much more aligned with hers, and number one is: kiss my husband (with passion) every day! my goal is to find as many things i KNOW i can achieve in 2010.
December 11th, 2009 at 7:35 am
I totally agree… ’shoulds’ give you the opportunity to back down, and just not do it.. if instead you said, I will not eat that pie, gives your thought more strength and therefore more opportunity to stick to it. Saying thoughts in the affirmative gives your brain more strength.. ’shoulds’ never work for me cause I always have an excuse why I should not.. anyway.. can’t wait for Jan 8. Really looking forward to it.
Francesca
December 11th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Love your philosophy! In my experience, creating something new is always a good thing. And grace is essential, in moving through our daily life. xo
December 11th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
oh how i have missed you!
xoxo
December 11th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
I should have a slice of that pie in front of me right now.
xo
December 12th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Wow, welcome back!
An early holiday gift, Jen’s blog is active again, hallelujah!
I’ll be in the neighborhood on 12.19 visiting with Meg. Would L.O.V.E. to see you and Madeleine again. Maybe meet Carter?
xox
Trish
patriciadolan@comcast.net
December 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Thanx for coming back! I became a fan and added you to my favourites as you were gone all these months. Im happy your back!!
December 13th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
“Shoulds” are insidious things. To me, if I pay attention to a “should,” I am doing what somebody else wants, not what I want. I am giving my power to someone else to decide for me, and I am not about doing that anymore! I am comparing myself to someone else, who is not me and cannot walk in my shoes, no matter how much they try. I’m with you.
December 14th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
So great to see you blogging again! Your blog was one of my inspirations for starting my blog.
December 15th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I’m signed up and I’m SOOO excited. You inspire me routinely. I can’t even imagine how much inspiration and motivation I’ll get from this class!
December 15th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Jen, thanks for breaking your silence in order to help me silence my “should” gremlins. You know firsthand many of the shoulds I hear in my inner ear - and it is always good to be reminded that I do not have to give in to them. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Peace to you, dear and distant friend.
I miss you more than you can imagine.
December 16th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Now I’m definitely inspired to think about which “shoulds” I want to shake. I like Naomi’s ideas for “shoulds”…and that pie looks scrumptious!
December 17th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I should bake a pie like that!
December 17th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Thanks Jen. I needed this today, and will somehow incorporate musing and, more importantly, acting on this into my New Year’s Eve plans.
Happy holidays to you!
-Liz
December 18th, 2009 at 3:23 am
The courage you exude to face down the shoulds is what built your wings and is now flying you all over the world capturing images of women. Bless you Jen for inviting us to shed our shoulds with you. By burning our shoulds together we’re standing for being and dwelling and space to do so in the now…that’s safe. not barking, scolding or silencing. what day ya doin it? we could be on google video and thus be present while each other creates this presence of being…possible more than 2 can unite over google video. dunno. would love to.:) love you so…
December 18th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Yay for coming out of blog hibernation!
YAY for Mondo Beyondo.
Thinking about the alumn discount and maybe starting the year with another roundof Mondo Beyondo…
Ciao bella!
R
December 18th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Oh, how I want to do Mondo Beyondo next month, but I know my life will be too crazed to be able to live in it. Please have another session soon!
Thanks for exposing your “should”s. I think it’s one of the dirtiest words out there, & unless you can find an intention for a “should” it should (!) be tossed aside - it’s someone’s else’s resolution. And yes, outside of “the shoulds” (which I believe is the subconscious way of telling ourselves that we don’t know what’s best/right for ourselves) lies your true path. The way you articulated it is just beautiful.
December 19th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
I often tell people when they use the word “should” too often that they are “shoulding on themselves”. And I mean it. I think that it often carries the same wait as what it sounds similar to and can increase feelings of shame and guilt in ones life…imagine what it would be like if we really lived and believed out of genuine desire as opposed to any type of obligation or duty…of the freedom!
December 23rd, 2009 at 3:13 pm
glad your back.
December 27th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Oh now THIS sounds like something I’d like to participate in! I have been consciously shaking the shoulds for a while, but they keep creeping back in. Right now, I’m having shoulds of self-doubt. I think I need some Mondo Beyondo…
right after that little bonfire!
December 28th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Delurking to say welcome back Jen. You have been much missed
December 30th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
I love this! Right on! I totally believe this but struggle with this too… the “shoulds” are often not things I really want to do, just things I think I “should” do and they hang around haunting me, in that limbo, where I don’t do them, but they just stick around whispering “should, should….”
January 3rd, 2010 at 5:07 am
Here it is 4 am on a Sunday morning and I cannot sleep. I agree to join in on “firing” the shoulds in my life- they totally stress me out and make me less of who I am. I am glad you are back blogging in truth and beauty.
January 3rd, 2010 at 9:58 am
I love this post. Silencing the shoulds is exactly the kind of revolutionary undertaking I’m hoping to find for myself in 2010. Thank you, Jen, for continuing to fire and inspire your readers!
January 3rd, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Hi Jen,
I happily stumbled upon your blog here when a friend told me about the Mondo Beyondo class (incidentally, I got so inspired that I am now working on attracting the $ in order to take the course! Wish me luck..) Your site is so inspiring - I was actually moved to tears a few times reading your posts.. I’m off to check out your other link (photos) next! I love your artwork as well. I think you and Andrea are both doing some amazing work!
I recently began implementing the law of attraction as a means to live a more intentional, conscious and fulfilling life.. and to help me turn my dream of opening a small vegan baking business into a reality. I started a blog called Love Made Visible http://www.2theuniversewithlove.blogspot.com which I’m using as a tool to help me focus and stay on the right track.. I embarked on a 100 day manifest challenge to kickstart my dream.. in one short week some amazing experiences and people have found their way to me - including the friend who shared your site with me - all of these things lead me to think I am firmly on the right path!
Thanks so much for this beautiful site.. I will visit frequently
Happy New Year and many blessings to you!
Kelly (Love Made Visible)
January 4th, 2010 at 10:59 am
I am all over that pie
But since one of my ’shoulds’ leads me to think do I really need it. Yes one of my shoulds is to try to make the right choices in all areas of my life. Health, fitness, people and work. Going to be a great year!
January 4th, 2010 at 11:03 am
Thank you for this reminder. It came at just the right time.
January 4th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
I like those positive sounding shoulds…
I should dance more..
I should make time to learn yoga.
I should make early nights a priority
I should eat cake every week…
I should meet friends “just because”
I should allow myself to get rid of all the negative “shoulds” in my head too….
January 4th, 2010 at 3:13 pm
i should be happy that i found this class and i am!!!
i should run a better time at this weekends disney marathon!
i should look forward to 2010 being the best of many years to come thanks to all of the new mind yoga i will learn
i should look forward to meeting all of you that are on the same but different journey as me
i should make more time to spend with my kids and husband instead of worrying about the house all the time…
January 5th, 2010 at 1:22 am
I would like to pursue contentment, you know happiness with one’s situation in life. Buring those shoulds would give contentment a lot more room to come in and sit awhile. Thanks so much for the timely insight.
January 5th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
I AM SO HAPPY to see you here again.
Happy New Year!
January 5th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
I’m going to have a bonfire with my old tired shoulds and come up with some new ones too!
I should be kind to myself because I’m special.
I should leave the laundry pile and play on the floor with the kids.
I should continue to practice random acts of kindness.
I should pet the dogs more and not worry so much about the hairballs.
Happy 2010! Let’s make it a FABULOUS year!
xo
Kelly
P.S. Welcome back…you’ve been missed :o)
January 6th, 2010 at 3:24 pm
In keeping with the theme of ‘dropping the shoulds’, I’ve discovered that a path of self-compassion is amazingly powerful. Christopher K. Germer in his book, “The Mindfulpath to Self-Compassion- Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions” speaks of turning *toward* emotional pain as a means to liberate yourself from it.
I’m eager to ‘meet’ everyone in the coming week, and to continue an exploration of my dreams.
January 10th, 2010 at 8:37 am
I am so excited about finding Jen’s blog and the prospect of 2010. I am taking the route of positive shoulds as well which include:
I should surround myself with what inspires me to be my own person.
I should be as good to myself as I am to others.
I should let the past become a lesson learned and take from it the strength it has given me without dwelling on the pain it may have produced.
I should do more exercises like this to make my dreams a reality.
Thanks for a great blog!
Jennifer
March 24th, 2010 at 10:10 pm
welcome back! yours was one of 4 blogs that I’ve gone back and read from the beginning. Thank you for these timely words.
peace : )
March 30th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
I keep your blog bookmarked and come check in on you and with you at least once per week. I am glad to see your blog again, even if you haven’t posted in a while.
I miss your words and stories and photos, Jen. I miss you. I think of you and your children and your travels and Odette and your friends and your wide open heart so often. I long for the day when I get to sit with you and listen to your stories and feel your energy face to face, hand in hand, tear by tear.
Peace to you, dearly beloved woman friend. Peace.
May 25th, 2010 at 9:57 pm
A wise woman told me “shoulds are the source of suffering.” So now when I hear myself say “should” I smile thinking of her, knowing it’s on a list of which will never be complete. I’m learning to be ok with that. Glad I found you (from Ria on Twitter). I’ll be keeping an eye on you cuz I like what I see/read.