Report from the SRG
Sometimes it seems the Universe conspires to not only inform you that you are known and loved, but also to gently suggest that you stop being such an asshole (to yourself and everyone else) and spend a day or two in the Soul Repair Garage, getting some much needed work. I wish I could report that I coast into this situation with much gratitude, so glad for all the loving soul service, but it’s more of a tow-truck operation after a ten car wreck.
The scariest thing for me about getting called in for soul repair is the way I so quickly assume that my case is beyond hope. Too many discouraging words or disjointed moments and the whole Universe is called into question. I wonder if I am imagining divine love and care. I start to suspect I am making it all up. I look at the atheists and think, now there are some people who know courage in the face of darkness. And everything I believe in, every tiny thing I do to bring my light to the world starts to feel silly.
I have a hard time believing that anything will turn out okay when my heart feels fractured and torn.
Today my friend Grace listens to this darkest fear and sighs with me. “I don’t have a lot of faith right now, but I have a little, and I’ll hold on to it for both of us if that helps.” She tells me stories about people feeling hopeful, people letting their grief come to the surface. She tells me about sacred spaces and about feeling close to something greater especially in that silence. I listen to her voice, and to the sound of my breath rising and falling. I listen, and suspect deep down that for now, this is more than enough.
February 9th, 2007 at 1:21 am
Yes WHY IS THAT? When we are up, we feel so solid. But just a little breeze can knock us on our asses? Grrrr. I wish there were really (not just metaphorically) a soul repair garage. I would just mope on over and lie down on the hydraulic lift. K
February 9th, 2007 at 2:52 am
soul repair garare, I like that.
February 9th, 2007 at 4:42 am
Girl….I am so there too??? I seriously have been having the same conversation with myself in my head. I see the pattern of it and know that my frame of mind is not helping and I get more scared it is contributing and then I get overwhelmed.
I am trying to just breathe and let it flow through and be with it. I know it is not my old deep depression, and that is reassuring, but it is big enough to be affecting my life and that always makes me scared.
And yet it seems like it is here and somehow perhaps part of the organic process of becoming more human? And can I just say that I am relieved to hear you get this way too b/c I kept holding myself up to you and thinking “I want to be like Jen and keep my knowing that All is Well”. Thanks for being REAL and sharing this. It is always so validating to find myself in your writing.
February 9th, 2007 at 6:50 am
“be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a foreign tongue. do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perharps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.”
- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a young poet
Via Irene
It’s okay, girl
Just let it happen to you, it’s a part of the walk. We all have those moments of doubt and dibelief, but have you ever realized we emerge stronger and wiser than ever?
February 9th, 2007 at 7:24 am
‘Today my friend Grace listens to this darkest fear and sighs with me. “I don’t have a lot of faith right now, but I have a little, and I’ll hold on to it for both of us if that helps.” ‘
Now THAT’s a true friend.
Hang in there, my friend. And because you’ve done it for so many — I’ll do it for you: I’m lighting a candle for you today.
Those others of you who are so inclined, I invite you to light a candle for Jen as well.
K.
February 9th, 2007 at 10:21 am
Jen,
I know how you feel and I feel the same way. Sometimes the dark seems so overwhelming that even the largest flame can’t dispel it. But then a tiny candle, in the form of a friend, sheds the tiniest of light and it makes a difference. The healing has begun. I am so glad you have that little candle in your friend Grace.
I hope today the full sunshine of the day sheds it’s light on your life and soul. Tomorrow I hope it looks for mine
February 9th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
Oh, I feel like that at times, too. I do Jen. It hurts. It’s disruptive to all that I do and all that I am. But, I wanted to share with you that I’ve learned to recognize those times and to trust. Yes, trust. Because if there is a pattern at all to these feelings, it seems that when I am state of bleekness or frustration, things always get better. Way better!! As soon as you are able to bust free of the the icky…there is so much good waiting on the other side. There is. To hold you and love you. All you can do is wait and be open to receive it.I believe that. xoxoxo!!
February 9th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
This is just such a maddening place to be in. I experienced this one night this week…I went into panic mode…shaking and almost in tears…questioning everything due to a few setbacks and mis-understood words. I went from feeling like I was on top of the world to feeling like I could crawl under a rock. I love your analogy of a soul-repair garage, because truely, that is what we need when we are in these spaces.
I guess that my take on it is is that since we are such sensitive individuals (SOOOO MANY OF US), there are going to be those highs and lows at times. We truely “feel.” While this can be such a blessed thing, it can also work against us at times like what you are experiencing right now.
I too, will keep the faith and hope going for you…sending it now across skys. Please know that despite this setback, you are still so EXTREMELY inspiring. I wish you peace, understanding, and a complete soul overhaul this Friday!!!!!!!
xoxoxoxo
February 9th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Much love to you, Jen. This sounds so hard.
February 9th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Jen, I have a way to be lifted up today. Watch Oprah. Today on Oprah is my daughter’s roommate’s mom and she is telling her story about helping children..but especially the children in Ghana that she just bought out of slavery. One woman. One story. Big life impact for many children. You will love it and her.
February 9th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
yes it is more than enough…it is…
February 9th, 2007 at 10:09 pm
I am amazed at how your words always speak directly to my heart, how I read your posts and think, “That’s it. That’s what I’ve been feeling.” Sending you blessings and wishes for peacefulness.
February 10th, 2007 at 10:27 am
Been in for repairs most of this winter, myself. Your little zine certainly contributed to an uplift of the spirits and a lightening of the dark. Keep up the art work and the soul work. You are a bright light!
February 10th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
Jen, I did love the suggestion that we light a candle for you…so, all afternoon in my little cottage in Texas a candle has been burning in your honor…in honor of your heart, your art, your courage and your funks that bring you to a different level and then the rest of benefit from your insight. much love sent your way.
February 12th, 2007 at 5:45 am
Oh, Jen. I have been lit so many times by the contagious fire of your wisdom and grace, and I am so grateful. I will be beaming the light you have ignited back at you. And I will be breathing with you from here.
March 23rd, 2007 at 4:54 am
[…] I wish I could say exactly what happened in that conversation hours later, but regular readers of this blog will understand when I say that James is kind of a soul repair specialist as well as a soul furniture mover. Every once in a great while–maybe just a handful of times in your lifetime–you meet someone who tells you a story about yourself that changes everything, a story so wonderful and preposterous that you just have to dare it might be true. James told me that kind of story, and I took it straight into my heart. […]
February 11th, 2008 at 2:44 am
[…] I picked her up on Friday and immediately checked myself into what my dear friend Jen Lemen calls at the Soul Repair garage. See I too am suffering from neglect. And while I am proud to say I hadn’t broken down completely I was pretty darn close. I guess I am not so good at self maintenance either. […]